Internet dating? No way. Me? Join eHarmony? Nope, not a chance. I mean, how embarrassing to have to resort to such an impersonal way of meeting someone. Besides, how could a computer-based relationship ever develop into anything meaningful? Impossible, it would never work. Not for me. But, then something happened…

A Little Background

I married my high school sweetheart almost 30 years ago. How wonderful it was to be so much in love! We knew that our whole lives stretched out before us and that we would raise a family, develop careers and end up living happily ever after. After three children it seemed as if everything was falling into place just as we had dreamed it would.

My wife and I worked very hard at our marriage. We were dedicated to each other, our family and the life we dreamed of having. Alas, the dream was not meant to be. It became apparent that we needed to go our separate ways in order to fulfill that dream. For those who have been through a divorce, the emotions involved will be quite familiar.

It has been three years now. With the help of time and a good therapist, I am able to see myself as the person I am… single, professionally accomplished, financially secure and… alone.

I am not comfortable with this. But it’s not the end of the world. My friends advise me that maybe it is time to “put myself out there” and take advantage of the freedom my new life has given me. Perhaps you have been hearing the same thing, and just like me, wondering where to start. Let’s face it—this isn’t like high school anymore!

Meeting People

There are a lot of different ways to meet people. The more traditional venues, like church socials, neighborhood clubs, bars, volunteer work and going back to school come to mind. In my case, a different type of opportunity caught my eye. It had the face of a smiling, soft-spoken gentleman about my age by the name of Dr. Neil Clark Warren. He told me that I could get a free Personality Profile and that he would use it to match me with someone with whom I would be compatible. He would even introduce potential matches to me in the privacy of my own home, anonymously, and let me make the decision about contacting the ones I wanted to. Sounded pretty good to me, except for one thing… he was talking about Internet dating.

Discovering Myself

It happened on a Saturday night. I don’t remember how the idea floated into my head, nor do I remember how much Glenmorangie I had consumed, but for some reason I found myself on the eHarmony website. You can see what’s coming, can’t you? Free profile… altered state of mind… just sign on and answer these questions. So I did, and the time between that decision and today has been filled with excitement, anticipation and delight.

Once I filled out the questionnaire for my free Personality Profile, things moved along quickly. The results came back within seconds and, as I was reading about all of my positive qualities, seven e-mails showed up in my Inbox. They all had the subject line “We Have a Match for You!” This was somewhat unexpected, as I had not paid anything yet. Sure enough my eHarmony (eH) homepage had seven matches for me under the My Matches tab. There was a lot of information about each person… but no picture. To get a picture, I had to be an eHarmony member, and the price was… $$$.

I paid for one month. The Scotch might have given me enough courage to get this far, but I wanted to hold Dr. Warren accountable for some results. I wanted to see those pictures!

Of course, getting all of this information about potential matches meant that I had to share some information about myself as well. eHarmony poses 13 questions so that an “About Me” profile can be generated. These are separate from the Personality Profile they provide for free. eH also asked me to post pictures of myself. I filled in all of the blanks and scrambled to get some images up. It was not immediately apparent how important all of this was until later. Suffice it to say that filling out the “About Me” questionnaire honestly and posting several pictures made a big difference in getting some interesting matches.

How eHarmony Works

Getting to know how eHarmony (eH) works was a lot of fun.

There are two ways to communicate on eH. The first, called FastTrack, allows you to immediately send complete e-mails within eHarmony’s anonymous communication system. The second way, Guided Communication, eventually reaches the same stage, but does so by using a step-by-step process.

Guided Communication begins with five multiple-choice questions that are selected from a list of 57
suggestions. What is your idea of adventure? How many books did you read last year? What is your idea of a romantic time? What style of dress do you prefer? How trusting are you? eH prompts the first four answers and leaves the last one as a “fill in the blank.” Both questions and answers are geared to help get to know the other person, and they work nicely with the “About Me” information already shared. After answering, your match can respond with five questions for you.

After getting to know each other a little bit through these questions and answers, the process turns its focus to the Ten Must Haves and the Ten Can’t Stands. To quote from the eH website, “In Dr. Warren’s book, How To Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing In Two Dates Or Less, he introduces the concept that good daters always carry with them a mental shopping list of traits they must have in a mate, and traits they can’t stand. With this list tucked away in their heads, they can quickly assess whether someone they meet fits their core values.”

The next step in Guided Communication is the short-answer questions. Three questions are selected from about 30 or so suggestions. If you prefer, you can write your own questions. As I became more experienced with the eH process, I took advantage of this opportunity to ask for more detailed information about previous answers. In almost every case, one or more of my short-answer questions was in regard to a Must Have or a Can’t Stand.

After exchanging short-answer questions and answers, a message from the good Dr. Warren pops up with some very excellent advice on relationships. From there an open communication, much like e-mail, can take place. There are no more prompts.

Guided Communication has both obvious and subtle direction. It has been designed to generate conversation about meaningful subjects. It gets to the point without a lot of fluff. The prompted questions are insightful, straightforward and varied.

Analyzing the Data—AKA Finding Your Perfect Match

Organizing the information my matches share with me is very simple. I print out all questions and answers as well as the Must Haves and Can’t Stands. I also ask the other person to share her Personality Profile with me and print it out as well. This allows me to create a file on each individual, and gives me something more tangible to hold on to. I like having something other than the virtual contact, as it helps me see my match as a real person.

In my humble opinion (IMHO in Internet shorthand), the best tools eH provides for immediate analysis are the Must Haves and Can’t Stands. I consider them to be the deal-breakers. Perceptive matches have challenged me on my own Must Haves and Can’t Stands. What I found out was that holding true to my MH&CS statements taught me a lot more about myself than I had bargained for.

The Personality Profile is another valuable tool. My own was right on the money. I have yet to run into anyone who has a serious (or even minor) problem with their Personality Profile. In fact, I recommend the Premium Personality Profile eH offers. It is well worth the additional analysis, and friends and family have reinforced the validity of its description of me. If one of my matches takes the time to read it and probe further, I know I have a good one!

Personal Discovery

One of the things that eH has revealed to me is the importance of being honest with myself first. I am humbled by the number of times I have gone back to my “About Me” profile, Must Haves, Can’t Stands and changed my answers. Interacting with others has helped me know more about me, and forced me to confront inconsistencies, alter perceptions and re-write descriptions. The result was a different, and much better, description of who I am.

Perhaps the most valuable lesson I have learned through my eH experience is how to handle rejection.
Rejection! If there is one feeling that just seems to paralyze me, it is rejection. I get about eight matches every day and half of them do not want to have anything to do with me. I find it hard to believe, but after over 200 of them, I’m getting thicker skin.

The Date

To date—no pun intended—I have received almost 600 matches during four months of membership. Twenety-three of those matches developed into some kind of communication. Twelve of them went all the way to exchanging e-mails. Four resulted in phone calls. I have had two dates.

The calls I made were mutually arranged, scheduled for a particular time, and turned out to be far less fearsome than I expected. It could have been expensive as well, but Internet access means Internet phone services (such as Skype) come in quite handy. So do Webcams!

Internet dating is fine for getting an introduction, but getting an actual date is when things really heat up. One of mine was spectacular!

We shared almost 250 e-mails over the course of a month. Long e-mails. Incredibly honest, touching, romantic missives that poured forth without reservation. Two souls connected. Phone calls began after three weeks. The first was only 23 minutes, the second almost five hours. We spoke every day, wrote every day and it became clear that a face-to-face meeting was essential. Not just soon, but NOW.

She lived almost 2,000 miles away, in a foreign country. We decided to meet halfway. It happened to be in one of the most romantic places on Earth. The waterfalls created such beautiful rainbows outside of our window. We entranced all whom we met with our smiles, laughter and uninhibited enjoyment of the now. 100 hours… a moment out of time. All of this, just six weeks after meeting on eH. What an incredible first date!

Clearly, eHarmony has enabled me to add some spice to my life. The number of fine people I have met, the things I have learned from them, the things I have learned about myself, the hours and hours of enjoyment and anticipation… well, it has been worth every moment. I recommend it whole-heartedly and hope that you too can find the courage to “put yourself out there.”

Good luck in your search!